We watched them crawling on their bellies in the rain-swollen stream by their house, looking like pigs in a hog wallow. They laughed and cavorted in the chilly water as we stood by, bundled up in our winter jackets and wondering why the kids weren't freezing. On our way home that night, we reflected on the wonderful thing it is when the adult siblings want to get together, even when they don't have to, while so many families only see each other at a holiday or sadly, a funeral. Why is that? What happens to siblings who lived and loved together growing up, but grow apart as adults?
There are dozens of excuses for grown children not to see one another--the busyness, lack of funds, no childcare, etc. But at the root of it all is the lack of motivation, the simple unwillingness to make the necessary sacrifices and overcome the resistance in order to stay connected.
The result is the brokenness that typifies most families.
Two stories from the Bible come to mind. One ends well; the other not so much. The first is recorded in Genesis 32-33. Jacob is on his way to meet his brother Esau, and he's pretty nervous about it, as he has good reason to be. He connived, conspired, and deliberately plotted-- assisted by their own mother-- to cheat Esau of his inheritance. (Talk about favoritism!)
Years later, he is faced with the time he must encounter his brother and he has no idea what to expect, but he's prepared for the worst. He's so distraught gets by himself at night to pray, but he finds himself in a wrestling match with the Lord. I think this is when Jacob has to acknowledge his own guilt and selfish nature and surrender his soul to the authority of God. I don't know what the outcome of the reunion would have been if Jacob hadn't surrendered, but when the brothers met, "Esau ran to meet him and embraced him affectionately and kissed him. Both of them were in tears" (Genesis 33:4).
The other story breaks my heart. It records the sad relationship King David had with his own children. First his own daughter (Tamar) is raped by her half-brother (Amnon) who is in turn murdered by another brother, Absalom. The sad thing is, David knew about all this but never addressed it. He could have fixed things. Not only was he the father, he was, after all, the king! The result was broken relationships and passive-aggressive behavior. "So Tamar lived as a desperate women in Absalom's house. When King David heard what had happened, he was very angry. And though Absalom never spoke to Amnon about it, he hated Amnon deeply because of what he had done to his sister" (II Samuel 13:21-22).
The further tragedy in this story is the unresolved conflict between King David and his son Absalom. David never allowed him to be a part of his household and when Absalom was killed, David's desperate cries were heard throughout his kingdom. "The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to his room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, 'O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I could have died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son" (II Samuel 18:33).
So what is the lesson here? I believe it's to guard, mend, and tend to our family relationships. Sustained family relationships don't just happen, and the groundwork is laid long before the children leave the nest. Efforts have to be made to get together--babysitters secured, schedules managed, funds allocated.
But without it families lose contact and before long,
they're strangers.
So what can be done to help familial ties remain unbroken? I can only speak to the things that I think have made the difference in our own family.
First, we're all members of the ultimate family: the family of God. We have unity in the Holy Spirit who makes us all children of God. This means we're equally loved by the Father of mankind. No one is more special or more important than the others.
Second, we know no one of us is perfect. We have to give each other grace. We recognize each other's weaknesses but we've learned not to exploit them. This has taken years of maturing and practice. When the boys were growing, their dad and I battled the tendency they had to diminish each other, especially when physical superiority and verbal putdowns were the easy ways to establish dominance. We drilled it into their heads that they were to be each other's best friends.
We communicate. This is probably the hardest challenge, especially when there are inevitable differences of opinion. We all know disagreements will come, but we haven't used this as a reason not to talk. Sometimes the conversations are lengthy and everybody wishes they could be anywhere else. But we persevere.
