For several months now (maybe even a couple of years), I’ve said I wish I had a good reason to slow down my busy schedule and find time to write. I wondered how I could manage to sit as long as I wanted and not feel guilty. THEN, I said, I could tell the world all that’s on my mind. Apparently someone must have been listening and decided to call my bluff, because about five weeks ago, I became semi-disabled.
It all started after a very busy weekend when I hosted a group of mothers (about 36 women all together) here at Strange Farms. It was a wonderful weekend of blessings. there were young and older mothers, good speakers , beautiful praise and worship. However, I must have pushed my body beyond the limits it wanted to go, and on Monday morning, I had such pain in my hip that I couldn’t get around. It has gradually gotten better, but I’m not back to normal.
Throughout this period, I’ve done much soul searching. To begin with, I have to admit, I was mildly depressed. Amazing how a small change of lifestyle can effect a person so much. I’m not used to having to sit on the sideline, and for these past few weeks, I’ve struggled to know who I am. Getting dressed and leaving the house has been a challenge. Seeing new spring fashions and cute shoes makes me sad because I don’t feel like shopping or wearing them. Household chores seem almost impossible. And I wonder if I’ll never return to what I considered normal.
During this time, I’ve become sensitive to other people who’ve had their lives interrupted with changes like this. I’m also sensitive to how much I’ve taken for granted. Now I have every opportunity to put in writing my thoughts and the lessons I’m learning.
One of my first thoughts was that I couldn’t accept the fact I needed something to hold on to when I tried to walk—a walker of all things! The thought was so repulsive to me, but it was a necessity. Either that or creep from one piece of furniture to the next. Both images were dismal. After a month, my pain became more tolerable, and I can now get around the house fairly easily, but I still feel more comfortable with something to lean on when walking outside. It occurred to me to help my image by ordering a set of trekking poles. Call it vanity, maybe even denial, but I can’t see myself as a crippled old person. I’ve always identified with younger people, and I’m struggling to be any other way.
I want to walk through this experience and come out as better person. I want to learn whatever lessons God want to teach me. Part of this new awareness is how little time I’ve devoted to spending time in God’s presence each day. When I read the account of Jesus in the home of Martha and Mary (Luke 10:38-42), I like to think I’m like Mary—sitting and soaking in the presence of the Lord. Reality is, I’m much more like Martha—encumbered with too many things. One of my favorite quotes by Nancy Leigh DeMoss says, “When we linger in His presence, we take on His likeness.” The most important thing I can learn now is how to practice that principle.
I hope I learn what God wants to teach me. I’m so far removed from the heinous atrocities happening around the world. Maybe this is my time of intercession, attacking the forces of darkness from a comfortable chair. Whatever this experience is, I don’t want to be a whiner, or a coward, or a complainer in the midst of it. I want to finish strong. I pray I’m soon off the bench and back in the game.