The Bible warns against “provoking a child to wrath.” I used to wonder why it didn’t say, “Children, don’t provoke your mothers to wrath,” but that’s before I came to understand what this verse means. The whole scripture says,
“Fathers, don’t exasperate your children, but raise them up with loving discipline and counsel that brings the revelation of our Lord.”
Ephesians 6:4, The Passion Translation
Thankfully, before our sons grew up and left home (and before we did irreparable damage to them), I found some enlightening teaching on this verse by a theologian I greatly admire, Dr. Charles Swindoll. In his book entitled Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving, he explains this verse.
Our goal is not to break the child’s spirit. We never want to see the light go out in a child’s eyes. A hopeless child has no will at all. He or she has given up the possibility of pleasing Mom and Dad, knowing how to be successful, or feeling valued and loved. A broken spirit is the final result of a parent continually exasperating the child. Never go there. [page 55].
To provoke means to bring a child to the point of giving up on having a relationship with us, which is the saddest result of a wasted opportunity. We have the ability to form beautiful relationships with our best friends for life, but when the opportunity is gone we may never be able to reconnect with those we should be the closest to. With this in mind, I came to recognize ten ways we could cause a child to be defeated before s/he has a chance to succeed in life.
Criticizing and never praising a child.
Attacking the child’s character (you’re slow, you’re dumb, you’re mean, you’re a baby…)
Inconsistent discipline. (Sometimes we punish; sometimes we let things go by, depending on how we feel at the moment. In this case, we teach the child to obey our mood and not our word).
Making promises we don’t keep.
Making threats we don’t carry out (and never intended to).
Embarrassing the child in front of others (calling attention to their mistakes or ineptitude, scolding them, or even ignoring them, etc.)
Exposing their secrets to other people.
Comparing the child to others, especially siblings.
Never admitting our mistakes to them or asking for their forgiveness.
Never getting to really know them.
On this last point, again I quote Dr. Swindoll:
“As a grandfather, I know now more than ever that each child takes time and attention to discover—lots of time and lots of attention.
They can benefit from all you can give them. I only wish I had known that better when my children were small.”
In light of this present pandemic, we have a chance to get to know our children and build a relationship that will be healthy and fulfilling to both them and us the rest of our lives. Granted, children have to be taught to be obedient and cooperative (that’s another subject for another day). but right now I want to encourage moms to not blow our opportunity to build trust and a loving relationship with our children.