Today I discovered a YouTube clip that spoke to my heart. In fact, it filled my mother's heart to overflowing. I've included the site at the bottom of this blog. Be sure to check it out! (I would put it at the end of this post, but I haven't figured out how to get it there.) There are a lot of "mechanics" to blogging that I haven't learned yet. Bear with me!
There are, however, a lot of "mechanics" when it comes to rearing boys that I HAVE learned. Such things as letting them go. We moms have to know when to hold 'em and know when to let 'em go.
I was having coffee (yes, decaf... see last week's post) with a young mother yesterday, and as she sat nursing her fourth baby boy, she asked, "When do they start pulling away?" I had to ponder this for a few minutes, because I realized that this is not a one-time thing. It's several episodes of "letting them go." She was experiencing some of the stages in her older sons.
I told her that I think the first stage is when the son is about 8. Based on my own experience, this is about the time that they discover their dad's world and began to see that they can actually be a part of it. Suddenly they want to get into their father's conversations with his friends, and they do it by interrupting with their own stories that mimic Dad's... such as wanting to tell their own hunting experience, or telling about the fish they almost caught, or maybe even trying to capture the men's attention with the same mannerisms and phrases their dad uses. It's equivalent to the little girl who wants to dress in her mommy's clothes and use her cosmetics. Sometimes the effect is rather comical in both genders, but I have seen little boys-becoming-men crushed and disappointed when they get ignored by the older males by whom they so desperately need to be accepted. At this point, a mom has to accept what she doesn't care to admit: that she really isn't the most important person in his conscious mind just now. We have to learn to take a small step aside to allow our sons their first baby step in the rite of passage into manhood.
The next big pulling away occurs when the sons enter the beginning of puberty, at age 12 or so. Prior to this time, all seems well. In my opinion, there is typically nothing sweeter than a 10-year-old boy. Then something happens. He withdraws his open adoration of his mom, and sets out to prove to the whole world that he really doesn't need a mom. At least, that's how we interpret it. It's no use fighting this stage. It too shall pass! The biggest thing a mom needs to remember is that her son desperately needs her presence... just not in public! He needs her deeds of service, not done in martyrdom, but as willing expressions of her love. He needs her presence at his game days, and his uniform clean.He needs her genuine compliments of his strong muscles and his sound mind. He needs her to read aloud to him from the Bible (even if he doesn't appear interested). What he doesn't need is her to put him on a guilt-ridden accusal of his lack of appreciation of her. He still needs her prayers at night when he is most vulnerable, and her goodnight kiss when nobody is looking.
High School graduation always involves saying good-bye to precious, unrecoverable years. The young man who leaves your house for college will be a stranger to you. Be prepared. He will continue to become more so when he comes home for visits. Bur he still needs you to show him what unconditional love is. He needs you to fix his favorite meal, welcome him at the door, and sit and tell him about the new life that you are finding for yourself. He never needs to feel that he has abandoned you by leaving.Remember that good parenting is the process of working yourself out of a job.
The biggest pulling away occurs when your son gets married. You have to prepare for this years in advance. If you've done a good job of loving your son and letting him have his wings as well as his roots, he will try to find a girl who will love you as well. Welcome her, and thank God for her.
Through all the times of letting go, remember to enjoy the "ordinary days." They will be the ones that you will recall when he leaves your nest. Never, never, never give up loving and praying for him, no matter how far away he goes. And tell him so.
I sent an email to our son who is 34 this week before he left on a ski trip with a group of friends. I had awakened with him on my mind, and I prayed for him, and I wanted him to know. I got his reply. It said, "Thanks, Mom. I always love getting encouragement from my mom."
So, Moms, listen to Katrina's reading "The Gift of an Ordinary Day" and think about the letting go that we have to do. Then go and bake your son something he loves.
