The Age for Spanking

In talking to young moms, I continuously find the question coming up concerning the age at which a child should be spanked. How young? How old?  I’ll pass along two experiences I had as a mom struggling to maintain discipline in our household of boys. This is taken directly from one of the many journals I kept as the boys were growing up. 

June 23, 1983

Dear Journal,

Today I had a showdown with our 13-year-old. It must be boredom from school being out, but seems the boys have annoyed one another worse than ever! The main one is the oldest, who insists on harassing the younger brothers. Finally today I couldn’t stand it another minute. I waited until Burt Sr. came home for lunch, not because I wanted him to punish him, but I wanted our son to know his dad was backing me up, and also because I was so exasperated I thought I might hurt him! (Although I wasn’t sure I could; he’s 6’ tall and outweighs me!)

Anyway, when Burt Sr. came in, I asked him to follow me to the bedroom where I told our son to wait. I made our big boy pull down his outside pants, lean over the bed, and I spanked him as hard as I could on his bottom. It has been ten years or so since I actually used corporal punishment with him, but this time his behavior was so juvenile, it was appropriate.

The spanking our 13-year-old got worked. A few weeks later I was leaving his room and I saw a note he had posted on his message board. It said: Remember: Be nice to brothers.  (Note: it was his last spanking.)

As with everything, I learned on the first child. It’s a miracle he turned out well. It was liberating to discover I could expect obedience from even a young toddler. One day as I attempted to change one of our squirmy little boys, he repeatedly flipped over and crawled away with amazing speed. I found myself on the floor crawling after him, grabbing his foot and dragging him back, only to have the process repeated. After several attempts, I realized how ridiculous it was for me, a grownup woman, to be on my hands and knees, trying to catch a stubborn little boy. Several good pops on his bare bottom let him know he had to lie still for a diaper change.

The secret to any successful discipline is to make sure the child knows who’s in charge…and it’s not him.

My Excuses

When our boys were growing up, I frequently started my sentences with, “When the boys are grown I’ll…”

So the boys are grown. Where is all the time I thought I’d have to catch up with things? Things like organizing my clutter drawers, streamlining my closet, putting snapshots in albums (snapshots taken before digital technology), planting a flower bed, alphabetizing my spices (that was a joke), etc, etc.?

Every retired person I know says the same thing: I’m so busy!

Don’t get me wrong. I like busy. I like having something to prepare for, to buy a new outfit for! (Apparently there aren’t enough occasions to justify that one.) But sometimes I neglect the things that really make a difference. Like checking on friends, seeing how they’re doing. The comforting thing is, they are just as busy, or busier, than I am. They’re traveling, SCUBA diving, riding bicycles, designing interiors for people, taking watercolor lessons, writing in journals…and all saying they don’t have enough time.

This year, for instance, I planned to catch up at Christmas. I wanted to send a creative card, complete with adorable picture of my grandchildren (or should I say complete with pictures of my adorable grandchildren?), but things just didn’t get done. We tried. Honestly, we tried hard!

Finally, in desperation to explain, I emailed some of the people I thought about sending cards to, the ones who knew me well, and offered a picture that I thought might explain my failure. It received such positive feedback, I thought I’d share it here. I call it My Reasons for Not Sending Christmas Cards.

Here it is…

My Next Season

This past month (January, 2014) we shared a condo at Fripp Island, SC with some close friends. We didn’t stay together as couples except for one weekend, but the place was available for us to come and go. It wasn’t exactly beach weather. It was sub-freezing some of the time and the wind blew straight off the At,antic Ocean, but we had beautiful sunrises and sunsets visible through the windows, and plenty of fresh seafood available.

But we didn’t go to be beach bums. We actually went to evaluate God’s purpose for us in this season of life. On the way there, my husband finally stated (at 78 years of age) that he was retired. That’s saying a lot for a man who farmed for 50 years, started a successful manufacturing company, reared five wonderful sons, and is still full of creativity and energy. His goal now? To be as close to the Lord as he possibly can, to have a more intimate relationship with Him, and to know Him better than ever before. (Those are his words—I just asked him to articulate them.) He also says he has never felt more contented.

The contentment part is the amazing thing. We’re finding that waking up and not having to be responsible for many things, compared to the past, is a big adjustment. It’s easy to feel purposeless in this season. Our challenge is to stay challenged.

On our return home, we stopped for a meal and our server was a young man, full of confidence and enthusiasm. Burt loves engaging servers in conversation (and anyone else for that matter) and finding out where they are in relationship to the Lord. This young man had his answers ready. We praised him, and reassured him that every season of life is exciting, that we were eager to see what God has for us to do. He was amazed. He said we inspired him more than anyone he had talked to, because he saw so many people (especially older ones) who were cynical and critical.

Our goal is to keep our enthusiasm. As long as we know God has a purpose in our lives, we can. When we lose sight of the reason we’re living, I believe we start to die.

During Christmas, when all our sons were home, we had a visit from a precious woman who helped me in the house when the boys were growing up. She is such a treasure. She’s 94, as firm and trim as ever, mentally sharp as can be. The morning I called her to set up a visit, she was shampooing her carpet. The day before she had been trimming her shrubbery with a machete. I love that woman. As she was leaving our house, I said, “Emma, I want to be like you!” She answered with all the assurance anyone could give, “Why, Honey, you will.”

That’s the confession I want to hear, and the attitude I want to pass on to those coming behind me.

What is Marriage?

Yesterday the Supreme Court made a monumental ruling by striking down a portion of the DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act), which defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman. The very fact that marriage needs to be defined indicates the fact we are confused.

Seriously? We need a law to say what marriage is?

How in the world did we get to this point?

Maybe it’s because those of us who understand the earthly union of a man and a woman is the foreshadowing of the relationship of Jesus and the Church (referred to as His “Bride”) have failed to demonstrate the wonder of it all.

On our wedding day, I certainly didn’t understand the roles Burt and I were about to play for the watching world. We weren’t aware that we were to “role play” Jesus and His bride in order that people could see the plan of God from the beginning of creation. What a responsibility! It saddens me to think people have made this a question for debate. I wish they could see the beauty of God’s plan.

The Court’s decision has made me more determined to show anyone watching how precious and unique God’s design for marriage is. Think about it. He arranged it so that ...
(1) we’d be attractive to each other;
(2) a bond called LOVE would keep us glued together long enough to work out our differences;
(3) we’d share an intimacy with another person that excludes all other relationships;
(4) we’d go through this life with the assurance someone cares enough about us to put our wishes ahead of their own;
(5) we’d get rewarded with adorable little people God allowed us to create;
(6) we’d experience a foretaste of Heaven on this earth!

Only God could have some up with a plan so appealing and so unique...but we have to let the world know!

Because people are confused. People are trying to define, describe, and de-mystify the phenomenon called marriage.

It’s easy to see how the Enemy of the Church ( the “Bride”) is so determined to kill and desecrate the plan. If we could actually show the world what it’s all about, and how good it’s supposed to be, then everybody would want it!

And a beautiful marriage would ultimately point to a beautiful Savior...and people would want Him!

This is why marriage is so hard. We have so much to overcome...like our human nature, for starters. That’s why we can no more have a good marriage without His help than we can get to heaven without Him.

So we don’t need to rant against those who don’t understand.

We just have to show them!

Moms’ Questionnaire

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Renaissance Men

This morning I read a description I thought was appealing: ...young men without any physical defect, handsome, showing aptitude for every kind of learning, well-informed, quick to understand, and qualified to serve in the king’s palace.

Taken out of context, it would delight any mother’s heart (and gratify her ego) to have that said about her sons. There’s only one very large caveat. The king these guys were being chosen to serve was on the wrong side! Some of you might recognize that verse as taken from the book of Daniel, and it describes the four young men, the ones we know as Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who were Jewish captives in Babylon. I didn’t know for years these names we recognize were given to them after they were deported from Israel. (Daniel’s name was also changed to Belteshazzah.) The significance of that is the attempt to strip them of any association they might have with their former identity, to recreate a complete new persona. Their Hebrew names were a reminder of who and  Whose they were.

This is where the rubber meets the road (sorry for the hackneyed expression; just couldn’t come up with anything original at the moment): this is what challenges those of us who are trying to rear children pleasing to the Lord, but living in a Babylonian culture. The indulgent, irreligious culture we are in tries continuously to suck away the values we instill in our children. The mores of our society become a strong attractant to young people, full of potential.

Here’s where we moms have to dig our heels in. First, we have to determine where our allegiance will be: with what pleases the Lord or what gets the accolades of the world. Whose nod of approval are we really seeking?

Reading the description above sounds good to me. I think it could easily describe my sons. However, the choice is before me. Am I seeking the world’s admiration at the sacrifice of the One whose approval really matters?

Sure, I want it all. I want my boys to be sought after, admired, praised. But I have to know the same traits that make them beautiful in God’s sight and reflect His nature also attract the attention from the other side. There’s only one prayer I can pray for them. It’s the description given of those seeking God’s wisdom (Proverbs 3:4), Then you will find favor with both God and people, and you will gain a good reputation, and later of Jesus Christ Himself (Luke 2:52):  He increased in wisdom, statue, and in favor with God and man.  I pray they’ll be respected, successful, even admired...but at the same time, I pray I’ll be willing to give up all those things if it means compromising their identity with Jesus Christ. That’s not easy, and God knows I need courage to not only say it, but to mean it.

Can Anyone Relate?

Some of my readers know I’ve asked moms to respond to some simple questions concerning their issues regarding parenting.

I don’t plan to publish all the responses, but I am sharing this one from a young mom because I have a feeling it typifies the feelings many mothers experience. See if you agree!

A close friend of mine who is a retired elementary teacher said the thing that surprised her was the concern young women have about being good mothers. Her own experience had been with so many mothers who didn’t seem to care. Because I personally know so many young mothers who are devoted to their families, I prefer to believe they are the majority. I pray they are!

Anyway, here is the response I received yesterday:

1. My biggest challenges:
Where do I begin?? ;)  One is my own selfishness. And lack of patience. And laziness. Sometimes I want to be able to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Sometimes I don't want to be a servant - I want to serve myself. Maybe that's taking a nap, going to bed, getting out of the house, having a minute of peace and quiet time, exercising, getting the house straight or having time to get a project done without a dozen interruptions - cleaning out a closet, prepping for homeschool,it may even be a project with the kids or misc, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes (well, most times) I  just want to be able to get something done hassle free. Maybe its even just getting the family in and out of the car. Sometimes I get a drill sergeant, ungrateful attitude because I am being Martha instead of Mary.  I get overwhelmed with all the to-do's. And not just the to-do's, but the how-to-do's. How to discipline your children biblically, how to disciple them biblically (what books to read, what methods to use, what charts and tools to buy, etc.), how to feed their bodies in a healthy way (should we eat organically or locally or paleo or for our blood type??) Some say dairy is bad, but the dr. says to give them milk. Some say too much meat is bad, but the paleo people say eat bacon.  Does it have MSG, is it processed, is it gluten free?, ETC ETC ETC.  How to stimulate their minds and exercise their brain and have them learn in the best way, how to let them be creative. Am I doing enough crafts? Are we going on enough outings? Are they having a fun and happy childhood? Am I letting them watch too much TV? The list goes on and on. 
Then, there is the whole helpmeet role. Am I giving my husband the time and attention he needs? Am I helping him as he needs to be helped? It's hard to save energy for him when I have to care for the children - and the one growing inside too.
Constantly wondering if I am measuring up... If I am being the wife and mama God wants me to be... 
Are my kids going to like me when they grow up? Will they still want to spend time with me? Am I taking them for granted now?
My Marthaness sometimes causes me to speak harshly to them and I HATE THAT. When I do that, that is when I feel like an awful mama. It is my biggest cause of guilt as a mama. Do I like to be spoken to like that? No. Do I want them to speak to others like that? No. But why can't they just do what I ask when I ask without causing me to get frustrated and harsh? Then I think, "Well, of course if I wasn't ever lazy about spanking their little hinies and I was perfectly consistent in discipline and spanking and never raised my voice, then they would obey, so really it's my fault."

2. Biggest Concerns:
This crazy, vulgar, vile, evil world and raising kids in it. Also, my shortcomings as a person, even as a Christian, and a parent and how they will affect who my children turn out to be.

Does anyone relate?