Looking at 40 (Years of Marriage)

We just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. The thing that has stuck out to me for the past three days has been the blessing of loving family relationships, and I have seen this in some unexpected ways. For example, I have been reading a book by Nicholas Sparks, entitled Three Weeks with My Brother. It’s a memoir of a trip he took with his brother and in it he tells the true story of what their family was like growing up. By today’s definitions, their family would be classified as dysfunctional and dirt poor, the kind of circumstances that anyone looking for an excuse for anti-social behavior and self-pity could exploit. However, the Sparks brothers not only made the best of their situation, but went on to become admirable and successful individuals. (After all, who could deny anything less from books-made-into-movies like The Notebook and Message in a Bottle?) Realizing the challenges that Nicholas Sparks faced as he was writing these novels made me even more of a fan of his than I was already. The thing that impressed me most about the book was the value that he placed on family and familial relationships, although his childhood was so far from perfect. The purpose behind his memoir was to depict the importance and the privilege of protecting and cherishing the bonds that exist within a family.

The same theme was evident in a movie we went to see on our recent “date night.” We saw The Proposal. It’s a light, entertaining movie with no real depth except that it also expresses the desire that everyone has to find family connections. In it, the hardened, self-reliant and self-sufficient book editor, played by Sandra Bullock, gets teary-eyed when she realizes that she yearns for family relationships.

The REAL thing, however, was not what I read and saw that somebody else had written about. The golden experience for me and for my husband of 40 years was the celebration of our own family relationships, ours with each other and ours with our “boys.” Two of our five sons met us on our anniversary weekend to play golf with their dad and have dinner with us. The other three called to wish us a Happy Anniversary and, along with their wives, tell us how much they loved and appreciated us.

Nobody has to verbalize how precious our times together are. I think the realization hit us all at the same time, that the opportunity to enjoy having a loving family is not something that we should take for granted. Gathering only once or twice during the year, as some families do either out of necessity or by choice, is not acceptable in our case. As I have many times before, I thanked God for having daughters-in-law who recognize the precious and rare quality that our sons have in their relationships, and how easily and quickly it can be lost by neglect or by tragedy. Frequently the girls have made a sacrifice of personal time with their husbands in order to let the men get together and become brothers all aver again.
Being married 40 years has made us develop an appreciation and a devotion to one another that we didn’t know in our earlier years. It goes beyond the notion of “romance,” although it is totally romantic. What does that mean?

It means that sometimes I ride in the golf cart with him just because he likes for me to, even though I am totally bored with the activity (I’d rather be writing), but it’s a chance for me to see him doing something he enjoys and makes him “show off” for me. For the same reason, I get a chuckle out of taking a picture of my man on his riding lawn mower (after he has finished with the push mower), grinning and waving at me. (This is the same man who has never done “yard work” until the past few years.)

It means that we go to the gym together and do our strength training with a personal trainer. We see her as young and cute and she sees us as old(er) and cute! We recently were invited to her 40th surprise birthday party, along with her young(er) friends.

It means that he gets a haircut, and if I fail to realize it, he makes a little comment about himself that tells me he wants me to notice, and it makes me giggle.

It means that he has started always shaving with a “real” razor instead of the electric one just because I like the way it makes his face feel.

It means that most of the time, we run errands together, because…well, just because. Things like going to the grocery store. However, there are times that he stops by to pick up a few things for me and frequently comes home with a surprise… usually a bunch of fresh flowers! If I don’t notice the surprise, I can always tell something is up by the satisfied little smile he tries to hide.

It means that we love to get up early in the mornings, sharing our quiet time with the Lord first, and then our coffee with each other while sitting on our patio.

It means that we never, ever take for granted the precious moments that we have with our sons, their wives, or our grandchildren.

It also means that on some days, when we realize that nobody is at home besides us, we say,” We have the house all to ourselves!” Then we smile at each other with 40 years of understanding between us.

Shopping With Kids

For two days this week, I had the pleasure of entertaining our three grandchildren, ages two, 21 months,and three months. I've loved observing their behavior and watching them do things that I never seemed to have time to dwell on when ours were toddlers. It has also brought back memories, some good, some bad, and most humorous. Take, for instance, the incident I recorded in my journal a few years ago:

"Yesterday I went shopping for a birthday gift for somebody at the trendy clothing store where all the young women shop. I had with me two sons, ages 7 and 3. I lectured them thoroughly before we went inside that they were to behave themselves while I shopped. They vowed to be sweeter than angels. But somehow, when they got inside and saw all the clothes dangling temptingly from the rods, and the neat little nooks and crannies which made perfect hiding places, they forgot their promise. They simply couldn't’t resist the temptations. As I perused the clothes and gift items, I ran into an older woman who I had always thought was very charming and sophisticated, not to mention someone who always seemed “together.” She told me what cute little boys I had. She had to say something; they had interrupted me three times in our five- minute conversation, so I could hardly ignore them. When she walked away I turned to reprimand them severely, but they had vanished. I tried to look nonchalant and collected as I searched the store, and just as I encountered the same gracious lady at the cash register, they jumped out from behind the counter and went, “Agggghhhh!” I was so embarrassed!

When we got back in the car, I made it crystal clear that I was disappointed (to put it mildly) at their behavior. I told them we were going to the grocery store (I am such a sadist), and there would be NO treats for them and that they would be on danger of extinction if they acted up. They reacted typically; the sensitive 7-year-old withdrew into a little slump on the front seat, while the younger one was slightly penitent but insisted that his brother “made” him run around in the store. I think he really wanted to make me feel that it was my fault for taking him in there with all those temptations in the first place.

We had slightly better results in the grocery store. The older child was perfectly behaved, wanting to make reconciliation with me. The younger one was a bit less cooperative. He asked for four different packs of bubblegum (which he did not get), took off his socks and shoes, and drug his little feet on the floor to slow down the buggy. I saw another mother (of only two children). She commented on our somewhat unique family structure, and said, 'Why don’t you write a book?'”

It was comments like these that inspired me to share what I think today's young mothers need to hear. Children are at times tiring,embarrassing,frustrating, and absolutely worth every second that we spend with them. The day I came home from that shopping trip, I needed to hear that reassurance. Now I'm in a position to give it. I want all you wonderful young moms to know that it's SO worth the short-lived moments of stress.

STAYING AT HOME

Proverbs 31:28
Her children rise up and call her blessed..

There was a time that I actually worried that I was spending too much of my time with the boys. I seemed to get the impression from most of the people I was around that every mother deserved to have a life of her own, that being with the children most of the time caused too much dependence from them and that her brain would atrophy in the process. It took me a while to realize that most of my frustrations came from trying to do what I perceived expected from me. One night, all this came to a head after an episode with our oldest two sons (ages 9 and 7 at the time). From my journal:

“What a day!!! I have had a lot of pieces of the puzzle to begin to fit today. It all started this morning (as days usually do) when our oldest son wanted to stay at home from school because of a sore throat (?). I didn’t challenge his excuse, and I went upstairs to work at my desk while he stayed downstairs with our housekeeper to help entertain the “little boys.” In a few minutes I heard a wail. I came down to discover that he had put the youngest son ( 1-year) in the dumbwaiter and sent him down to the basement…with the baby’s hand caught between the dumbwaiter compartment and the wall. By the time I got to them, his chubby little hand was scraped and swollen and the Culprit was trying desperately to shush him from crying. I couldn’t decide which was more urgent, to comfort the baby and make sure his hand wasn’t broken or to choke his big brother. I decided that it would be punishment enough to make the Older One accompany us to the doctor’s office to check it out.
On the ride back from the doctor visit, I found that I had a cocktail mixture of emotions: relief that the hand was fine, hope that no irreparable fears of elevators got planted in the baby’s subconscious, disappointment in our older son’s lack of judgment, and anger that he would have put his little brother at risk… and especially confusion over what this was all about. I kept getting the feeling that there was more than met the eye going on here.

That night, something else happened. The oldest two were showering in our bathroom, and apparently decided to test out my make-up and my good perfume. By this time, my emotions were clear: I was mad! I got the paddle and was ready to let loose on them when the Older got extremely upset (apparently it was Number Two’s idea). I sensed that he needed to talk. So standing in his underwear with his pajamas around his ankles and tears streaming down his cheeks, we ended up discussing what exactly he was feeling inside. Obviously there were things that they needed from me that they weren’t getting. I wrote them down:
1. For me to always go to church with them (in other words, Not stay home to rest)
2. Have something to look forward to on weekends, like having a friend over or going shopping with me, out of town; an occasional ballgame or movie.
3. Have story time or Bible reading every night, snuggled in our bed.
4. For me to be available to study with them, individually and privately, in the afternoons.

What this all boils down to is that what they really want is my participation in every aspect of their lives…their spiritual life, their school life, and their home life. I have come to the conclusion that I need to devote practically every waking minute to them, that I must stay organized enough to have time to spend with them and not have so many things going on that I’m too tired to participate in things. Sounds like I must lay down my life for my children! If I wind up with unappreciative, spoiled brats, then I’m wrong. If I end up with children who will rise up and called me blessed, then I’m doing exactly what God has called me to do. I only have one chance at it. I’m choosing to give it all to them. Somehow, deep in my spirit, I believe I’m making the right choice.”

Two months later, I observed that the plan was working. I found that I was organizing my time better. I felt so much better physically. I didn’t always have that guilty feeling that I had failed to meet the needs of the family. We had maintained the schedule of studying in the afternoons (which was nothing more than calling out a few spelling words, but it was “quality time” with Mom). We read books and/or the Bible before the boys went to bed, and they loved it! I could see them becoming more cooperative.

One day I looked on the bathroom counter, and the toothpaste tube was squeezed from the bottom. I had that moment of inspiration. I thought, “That’s the kind of family I want us to be, one where everyone squeezes the tube from the bottom!”

Pretty trivial, I know, but it was a good word picture. My husband and I were giving a talk at a church once and I’m not sure what our subject was, but when I shared the picture of the toothpaste tube, the audience broke out in spontaneous applause. Steven Covey is right (as expressed in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families): a family needs a shared goal, a family mission statement that expresses what makes it unique. Getting all seven of us to agree on any one thing has been a challenge to me. As the boys have grown up, with all their individual temperament and personality traits, their personal preferences and diverse needs, the job of keeping us united has been difficult… and time consuming.

Journal Entry:
“Over and over I realize that the secret to good parenting is to zero in on each child individually. That takes time…all your time! But when a child is conceived, your time is no longer your own anyway. Our pastor says that what “rights” we lay down will be returned to us as privileges. I believe that in applying this principle to children, it means that investing time in their development when they need it will result in better-adjusted, self-disciplined, and more self-reliant individuals. Consequently, as they mature, you as a mother will be blessed with more time of your own---fewer trips to the school counselor’s office, fewer discipline problems at home, and moments of quiet and peace rather than anxiety when they are not together with you.”

Now I know: It’s true!
 

Did you say Purpose?

John 17: 4
“I glorified Thee on earth, having accomplished the work which thou gavest me to do.”

For several months, Rick Warren’s book The Purpose Driven Life was a best seller. I wonder if the reason was because everybody needs to believe that their life has a purpose; if not, then why stay here? Maybe if the book had been written at the time, I would have come to my conclusion sooner, but it took me a few years to realize what my life was all about. I fantasized about all the things that God must have needed me to do. I was so sure that a woman with my amazing talents and personality was indispensable to Him. The problem, as I saw it, was the fact that I had all these little children running around me and taking up my time. The universe was no doubt on “hold” until they were old enough to fend for themselves and didn’t need to constantly share my space. Sometimes I would feel that the world was passing me by, and this would cause me to be very discontented and impatient at having to go unnoticed. I thought about my short-lived high school teaching career that I loved, or my dream of doing TV commercials, or maybe even wanting to become involved with a singing group. There were so many things I could do!

One day my thinking changed. This is how I recorded my epiphany (my “Ah-ha” moment):

Today I was sitting in the living room and thinking about my life. I realized that I wasn’t satisfied doing what I was doing (which seems like fulltime babysitting). I came across a verse of scripture in John 17:4 where Jesus says that He accomplished the work God gave Him to do. I started asking myself, What work has God given me to do? What does He want me to accomplish? For what purpose, in God’s sight do I exist?

Three of the boys were playing with their trucks on the floor. As I looked at them, I felt the Holy Spirit saying to me “If Jesus were here right now, where would He be?” The answer came immediately: “He would be on the floor, playing with your children.”

All of a sudden, I knew the answer to my question. My purpose is to be the mother of five happy, well-adjusted, self-disciplined Christian men.

When that realization came to me, I felt the most incredible sense of relief. It was as though I had wrestled with the angel and gotten the blessing that I was seeking. My struggle is over, and I am ready to take on the task.

It is amazing how this discovery changed my life. I’m not saying it made the daily tasks any less challenging, but now I had a goal in sight. I also realized that God had called and equipped me, and only me, for this particular assignment. Several life-changing attitudes were birthed in me as a result.

First, I found that it was much easier to establish priorities. I knew enough about goal-setting to know that if something doesn’t contribute to the desired end, it needs to be eliminated. Knowing that made it much easier to say NO to invitations and activities that took too much of my time and were unproductive for steering my boys in the right direction. I realized that I didn’t have to be at every social function that included me ; I didn’t have to entertain a certain way; I could decline certain invitations without feeling that I was throwing away my last chance; Our boys didn’t have to be involved with every single activity that was available to them. With all this wonderful freedom I experienced, I soon realized that there were some marvelous bonus discoveries. One, I didn’t have to compare myself to other mothers. I believed that God had designed and equipped our family for His unique purposes, and they might not be just like everybody else’s. Two, I felt released from self-condemnation. I came to the conclusion that not everybody was going to agree with me, think like me, or (most astounding discovery), even LIKE me, and that was okay. There is a quote that says, “You may not be Somebody to the world, but you might be the world to Somebody.” I had five little “Somebodies” to whom I was the world.

Second, I became aware that my biggest fears were diminished. If God had created me to mother these young men, I could trust Him to protect and preserve my life until that task was complete. I had no more fears about dying young or being incapacitated. I would be able to complete the work that He started in me. (cf. ). In other words, God wouldn’t let me half- finish my assignment. I also believed that He would give me the wisdom I needed to carry out the task, because I knew nothing about rearing children. After all, I’d never even changed a diaper!

Third, I must have learned to trust God’s promise to give us wisdom when we need it, as it says in James 1:5. Since both their dad and I were only children, we had never had experience with anyone but ourselves. We certainly didn’t know anything about sibling rivalry (but we learned fast!). To the casual observer, one might conclude that we were “flying by the seat of our pants” (whatever in the heck that mean), but since we didn’t know what to do from experience, we trusted that the impressions we received were God’s leading. I came across a plaque which said, “Give me wisdom Mary had when she raised her little Lad.” I reasoned that Mary didn’t know how to rear the Son of God, but had to rely on her impressions from God. If I were going to rear five little boys to become sons of God, then I had to do likewise.

Fourth, I discovered that the more time I spent with the boys, the more I wanted to be with them. By the time they were in Jr-high, they had become my best friends. At some point I put my decision on paper:

I have decided that the most important thing I can do just now is devote time to our family. This means I have to abandon extra activities that sap me of my energy and time. Some might think that this is a mistake, that my focus will become too narrow, and my brain turn to mush. That’s the chance I’ll have to take. When our sons are one the other side of childhood, I’ll know if this is the right choice.

Wow! Was it ever the right choice! When I look now at our incredible Renaissance Men

BIG EVENTS!

When I sat down to write this post, I realized that it has been so long that I had forgotten my password! Maybe Jenny is right: I deserve an "F" in blogging 101! It's just that so many wonderful things are happening faster than I can write about them! Describing what all is going on in our family is like trying to describe the cars of a fast-moving train.

I think I'll start with last weekend. Thursday, May 1st, was the National Day of Prayer. My heavy burden for the nation came to a focus that day when I awoke with the desire to fast and spend time talking to the Lord. I've felt a responsibility to pray for our country for as long as I can remember, and it was comforting to me to know that other people shared my burden that day. (I yearn to see our nation return to honoring God, but I won't get off on that subject just now.) Anyway, that morning set the tone for the busy weekend ahead. Normally I would have been running around in all directions, knowing that a number of extra people would be coming for the next few days. Typically, I'm that proverbial swimming duck: calm on the outside but paddling like crazy under the surface! However, going down to our little church and entering the quiet sanctuary was refreshing to my spirit. It didn't make any difference to me if nobody else came. I played the wonderful piano there ( the familiar patriotic songs), and thought about the words and the circumstances under which they were written. After a while, April came and so did Burt, who is always my loyal supporter!

On Thursday afternoon, Betty McKinney came to Ellaville. We had heard a lot about Betty from both Josh and Burt, so I was eagerly anticipating her visit and teaching. I was not disappointed. There were about 40 people who came during the weekend, and I think almost everybody received some particular blessing. I had the most wonderful feeling as I looked at the group gathered in the Carriage House and realized how "young" it was. God is no doubt drawing the upcoming generation into a closer relationship with Himself in preparation for whatever lies ahead. Just as it says in Proverbs 31:25, He is preparing us, His bride, to have no fear of the days to come because we will be prepared. That verse brings me a lot of comfort. Anyway, there were many answers to prayer before the weekend was over. We know that several experienced being baptized with the Holy Spirit for the first time, and others were refreshed by the same Spirit. Several times during the weekend, the thought was expressed that this was the beginning of whatever it is that God has in His plan for our place. I felt more intensely than ever that "our place is His place." I trust that the same Lord who multiplied the loaves and fish which were handed over to Him will take what we dedicate to Him and multiply it to bless many...most of whom we won't meet until we meet in heaven. What a concept!

Everything seemed to go so smoothly over the weekend. The teaching sessions were easily set up. The room was comfortable. The food was good as well as easy. I never felt stressed one tiny bit. Jed did a wonderful job of leading worship. I just revelled in the anointing that God has on him for that purpose; other people recognize it as well. I get comments all the time. It makes me smile when I know that Papa, JoJo, Gran, Dede and all those who have gone on before, are hearing the sweet melodies at the same time we are! Now let me say that on Saturday night,as sweet and worshipful as Jed leading was, I saw the desire to "bust out" in his free style almost overcome him! This was following an unexpected rendition of hip-hop music (I use the term loosely) by Jenn Cannon's boyfriend, Bill B. Jed almost gave in to the urge! My guess is that he went home, turned his cap around, and got down!

Well, if that wasn't enough excitement for the weekend, the finale came on Sunday night. Josh and Jenny became engaged! We have prayed them through several seasons of life, and to see them committing to each other to fulfill the call God has for them as a couple is so wonderful. It still tickles me to think of the two youngest of their respective families getting married to each other, but that's no more a challenge then two "only children," as Pops and I are! I'll always remember the first time Jenny and I went shopping. She helped pick out a red and black shirt for me to wear to Parents' Weekend for Jed's fraternity, and she's been giving me fashion opinions ever since. It was on that trip that she said she thought about how many people she as Josh could win to the Lord together. I'm convinced that's why the Enemy tried so hard to keep them apart. Now I'm loving help make wedding plans!

Well, I've got so much more to say. I haven't even touched on Mother's Day, but that will be next. Get ready!

Rise Up and Walk

We had an unexpected blessing last night. The phone rang about 10:15p.m., and when I answered, there was an unfamiliar voice. My first thought was, "Not a donation appeal at this hour!" Instead, I heard someone say, "This is Paco, from Cabo." It turned out that this was the young man that Burt and I met when we went to Mexico for Jonathan Lafevers' wedding. He was the most incredible pianist who was playing for dinner one night in the "fine dining" restaurant. Because we enjoyed his music so much, we stopped by the piano to thank him as we were leaving. After talking to him for a short while, we detected his Christianity, and to confirm our thinking, he cut loose with "Amazing Grace." It was beautiful.

We didn't see him any more over the weekend, and we regretted that we had not asked for a CD. On the day we were leaving, we were making a phone call to the states, and as I turned around, guess who was coming down the hall in his wheel chair? It was his day off, but he had had to come back to get his check beacuse he had forgotten it. What timing! As it turned out, we spent about two hours talking to him in the outdoor bar there at the hotel. In the process of our discussion, he expressed his desire to go to Brazil and minister to the people through his musical talents; he even speaks Portuguese! We told him about Rick Bonfim and his ministry in Brazil. But the important thing was the prayer time we had with him. He wanted us to pray for the empowering of the Holy Spirit in his life, and of course we did. I took it a step further and did something I had never had the courage to do: I prayed that he would walk again! He told us that he had just returned from France where he had undergone a stem-cell procedure, and that he was a good candidate for it to regenerate the nerves in his spine and legs. (He made sure we knew this was not an embryonic stem cell.) I prayed that his miracle would bring glory to God.

When he phoned last night, he was calling to report that the feeling is beginning to come into his legs. He is undergoing rehab in California. But here is the best news: He wants to come here to Georgia, and testify in "our church to our friends" what God has done because he said that we were the ones who prayed for him to walk again! I assured him that if he got to the Atlanta airport, we would take care of him from there. I want to have a church filled up with a group of people who will see this as the miracle that it is, and give God all the glory for it.

I think the Holy Spirit is waiting to show us what He will do if we will learn how to believe and then have the courage to obey! I'm just beginning to learn!

Training up the Child

Well...we have successfully completed our grandparenting solo flight! Helen and Clint had the courage to leave us in charge of both Harrison AND Major! Things didn't look too exciting when we arrived because, as Helen has said, she was fighting a sore throat, Harrison had a nasty old cough, Major had had surgery on his ear, and Pops was trying to catch his knee mouse. I knew it would be hard for Helen and Clint to leave and not feel lost, but we also knew how much it enriches a couple's relationship to have that time together. We almost had to push them out the door.

Wouldn't you just know that Clint chose to call home at the very time that Harrison was upset! I had made a quick run to Starbuck's, which was only a short distance from the house, to get coffee for Saturday morning. I left Harrison in his bouncy seat at Pops' feet. I knew he could pick him up and hold him if he cried. Sure enough, he did have to pick him up, but Harrison didn't stop crying, and Burt was holding the phone under his chin and the baby in his lap when Clint called, so I'm sure it sounded bad. Clint called my cell phone, and although I wasn't gone ten minutes, I still felt guilty! As soon as I got back and took Harrison, he started playing, and we called Helen and Clint back to ease their feelings.

Harrison was such a sweet little guy. I knew he didn't feel up to par, so I bathed him early (about 6:00P.M.) This was a pretty big challenge because Pops was not much help with his bum knee, and a soapy little cherub is not easy to manage! We did fine, however, and as I gave him his bottle, I really had some QT with the Creator of the Universe. I prayed for Harrison to feel better and to get some sleep. He went from being fretful and fidgety to being peaceful and relaxed. I put him down at 7:30p.m. and he didn't wake up until 5:00a.m. I had the monitor close to my head, and I heard him cough all during the night, but he never woke up. When I got him at 5:00 the next morning, I knew God had heard my prayers. His cough was so much better, and I gave him a little juice, then snuggled him in the bed with us where he and I slept until 8:00 a.m.

Uncle Jed spent the night with us at Helen and Clint's house on Friday night, and this worked great because he could take care of Major. That meant cleaning his incision with Q-Tips and giving him his meds. Before Jed left on Saturday, he gave the medicine, but I forgot about the incision. Determined that Clint would see that we could be trusted to dog-sit also, I decided to get the job done. Burt couldn't do it, since it required sitting on the floor and holding Major's head. Major must have known that caring for wounds is not my thing, so he lay just as still as could be while I took care of him. I was proud of both of us!

Suffice it to say that the weekend was a blessing. Helen and Clint came home relaxed and refreshed, and they found a happy baby and a healthier looking dog. We had enjoyed our time, and it was a nice bonus to get to spend some time with Jed. Although Pops wasn't too much physical help, he is really my rock regardless. As you can see from the picture, he exposed Harrison to some advanced reading! As Clint said, just forget the "Baby Bunny" stories and get right into some meaty reading!